(Artist: Marugoshi Teppei)
(Original post from: MegaTokyo)
When obsession wins over love and you’ve got yourself an immensely affectionate stalker instead of a girlfriend, you have a yandere on your hands. These are the kind of girls that break into your house while you’re away, hide under your bed while you’re at home, schlick directly under you while you sleep, come out when you’re gone again, schlick again in your bed while licking and humping your pillows, and then proceed to check your messages to see if you’re involved with another girl. They usually don’t have any kind of higher ideal or ethical policy; they sometimes don’t even view themselves as people so much as an entity made out of the impulse or desire to be with their man. A yandere is awesome because it’s outwardly impossible to tell that the girl is completely insane; she has just enough presence of mind left over to maintain a convincing facade, and God help everyone around her if she decides to drop it. If you don’t react well, things could get messy, so in the off chance you don’t want to enjoy the fruits of your yandere’s darker exploits, here are several things you need to take into account.
Remember your objectives:
-Her mental integrity should be kept at a reasonable level and maintained.
-She should still love you unconditionally.
2. Be sure to remind her how much you love her and basically compliment her as you would any women. Be careful about criticism, though, because she’ll probably go a little over the top in attempting to fix this problem, and if she can’t, she’ll try to fix your perceptions of this problem instead. When prompted, re-affirm your hatred of those other skanky, dirty whores. Putting down other people is fun anyway, right?
3. When she starts talking nonsense, she is being put under stress. This stress is based on the belief that you are being unfaithful or planning on leaving her. Pacify her with constant, unadulterated attention and sex. Remember that one of the best things about yandere is that they’re completely devoted to you, so why shouldn’t you return at least some of the favor? This entire fiasco can be summed up in a single line: It’ll be great if he was nice and looked only at me. Yes, only at me. He can’t look at any other girls. I’ll look only at him, so he should look only at me. It’ll only fair, right?
4. Contact with the opposite sex in public should be kept to a bare minimum — the assumption should be that she IS watching. When she’s with you and you talk to other women, she’ll either flaunt you in front of them or discourage prolonged conversation. In either situation you should play along, expressing your undying love for your yandere all the way. In the latter one you should cut off contact as soon as she gives a prompt to do so. Occasionally she’ll become openly hostile to women she finds you speaking with, so diffuse that bomb before it explodes. Female relatives may or may not be accepted by the yandere, though for the sake of her facade she’ll usually ignore them.
5. The yandere likes to do things for you, so keep her busy doing chores that make her feel she is strengthening the relationship. This is one of the best parts about the yandere since she’ll spoon feed you if you ask her to and she won’t even see it as strange.
Now that you’ve won the affections of one of these very, very insane women, you surely want to know how this benefits you, right?
LOYAL: She will never — NEVER — betray you. Even when you’re dead.
LOVING: She knows the meaning of true love like no other girl, or even you, will ever know. Some of the love is for your own good.
CARING: She takes her entire budget of caring and places it all on you. Other people are… irrelevant.
PROTECTIVE: No bad fortune, villain, or evil conniving cheap slut will be allowed to have their ways with you for long.
HATRED: For other girls as pure as the darkness between the stars.
DETERMINED: She will never — NEVER — give up. Even if you end up hating her for it. She’ll never let you down, either.
OBSESSIVE: There is pretty much no limit to how far she’ll go just to get your attention. Once you go yandere, you can’t go back.
BRUTAL: Why should she go easy on those who threaten to steal you away from her?
PROACTIVE: Friends? Family? Better get rid of them before they start taking up precious time you could be spending with her.
DETESTING: Everyone that isn’t you.
Besides a very, very affectionate partner, there are plenty of ways to have fun using her unique features. For example, pick some girl you know likes you, give her your phone number and ask her to call you. Put yourself in a position in which you are with your yandere and open to being approached by this girl. Then confide in your yandere how this girl won’t leave you alone. Count the days until this girl disappears or stops communicating with you entirely. If the yandere decides to kill her rival right in front of you, marry her as soon as rationally possible.
One of the few potential cons that I can see is that intellectual conversations are nearly impossible with your yandere. She can’t comprehend anything outside of the context of your relationship with her. War in Iraq? You are saying you think she’s too clingy and so therefore some cheap slut is poisoning your mind against her. The nature of the universe? You are trying to break up with her so therefore some cheap slut is poisoning your mind against her. It’s okay to participate in activities that don’t involve her, by all means, please do, but it’s very, very difficult to get your yandere involved in anything that doesn’t directly have to do with her loving you. It’s not impossible, but I prefer to keep mine in the kitchen baking or knitting and would rather not provoke her.
Speaking of my own personal methods for dealing with yandere that might not work for some people, when a girl I’ll accept becomes yandere for me, I become yandere for her. That’s right, all that crazy shit. No looking at other men, not allowed to leave my presence for more than 3 hours, etc. I’ll stalk my precious yandere all the time and make sure no other men can get near her. Well, at least at first.
The problem with continuing this practice is that you can’t out yan the yandere. It would only drive her to a higher state of mental instability. Think about it – you’re stalking her everyday. She realizes it’s YOU who’s the third person walking by her to the grocer’s, or getting her car fixed, or chatting with the neighbors as people jog by. She starts wondering, “does he think me unfaithful? But… but that’s impossible. It’s just him I care for – only him!”
Then the attempts to reassure herself begin. More painful, scarring sex play, just to let you know “this body is only for you.” No matter how violent or messy, she does it with a broken smile. The meals become dull as she starts going out less and ordering in more. Minor things she can pick up from faceless stores to show you that she doesn’t NEED other people, so long as she has you. The artwork of herself she leaves in your desk at work (should you bother to show, as you’re so busy being full of her and dumping bodies of the ones who’d dare even glance…). The jagged crying night sessions – tears spilling down her face as she smiles delightfully, her voice full of laughter as she takes on any abuse, just for you.
The moment of broken screaming when she realizes despite all this devotion, you STILL don’t trust her.
And then you walk in one day and find that she’s jammed the biggest kitchen knife she could find into her sexual organs. That tearful, joy-filled face saying, you know, darling, you were right, my thoughts were impure and clouded by other faces, so I punished myself, but now it’s fine. I’ve punished those involved, too, those evil people that caught me in my moment of weakness・
The police will be over in the evening to arrest you both on the collection of bodies in the basement unless you had already prepared an escape route for different but similar reasons. So yeah, you need a cut-off point for being yandere to your yandere.
DOUBLE YANDERE LOVE IS THE TRUEST LOVE.
Ahem. Excuse me.
Point is, give them too much love and they’ll begin feeling unworthy of you; it won’t matter how many times you reassure them that they’re perfect, they’ll constantly feel not up to your love. Eventually they’ll take for granted that you’re betraying them because every other woman is better than them, and shit will degenerate rather quickly. Still, if you treat them badly they will still consider that a gesture of affection, so it’s the same shit. Getting them pregnant may possibly be the correct answer. They’ll focus their attention on your love’s “fruit” and that will wash away many of their insecurities as long as you spend enough time with both them and your child. You’d have to make sure she’s not seeing your son as you though, or things may get really hot, if you know what I mean.
Ah, yes, the question of children, a problem with no easy answer. In general, yandere would make poor mothers, and the child would be at constant risk of being targeted by the yandere’s psychotic episodes. The yandere may very well reject the child and see it as competition. It’s not impossible, however, with enough care from her man. Some yandere object to the idea of children because they see themselves as beings which must not bear new life, but other yandere may be quite open to it, or even feel they would want it as irrefutable proof of your love. Regardless, they will bow to the wishes of their loved one, so it’s something that would take some struggling at first, but will probably work out in the end.
Some extra thoughts regarding the psyche of the yandere:
1. Yandere are not opposed to safe sex, but they are opposed to mechanical means of birth control. It’s not because they enjoy sex physically more than any other girl, it’s because they view sex more as a spiritual ritual in which they become closest to combining with their loved one; she will always demand sex to be as raw as possible. If birth control is desired, they will generally have no problem taking the pill and consider condoms to be a barrier to achieving oneness with you.
2. A yandere will never, ever share you, nor will she accept any kind of rival; to her, other girls are nothing but enemies. Yandere don’t feel the kind of isolation some normal girls might, and so will never believe themselves to be different or special to other girls. To a yandere, other girls have the same filthy desires and conniving thoughts as she does, which is why she loathes other girls so much; she firmly believes other girls are out to steal her loved one. If two yandere met over the same guy, they would launch a war that wouldn’t end until one of them was dead. No mercy, no surrender.
3. The yandere will almost never rape her loved one if they are still outside of a relationship. The yandere will attempt to attract you using conventional means, as the yandere believes from her own upbringing and education that this is the correct method for getting her man. If she knew she could get you by raping you at gun-point, she would do so immediately.
4. I think that sometimes the attraction to yandere is based on the childish, idealized belief that your love can cure her. PFFT. This is DANGEROUSLY NAIVE. “Cure” her? Why would you want that? Her being an obsessive, potentially-dangerous psychotic is the whole POINT. To say someone finds such a person attractive out of some misguided belief they can “fix” them is like saying a “chubby chaser” finds big women attractive out of some belief that he can get them in shape, when really he just really likes the fatties. In all likelihood the stress of a relationship would make her psychosis even worse. Yandere are crazy and there’s no way to make them feel at ease, and if you think you can then you’ll end up with either you or her dead, possibly both.
5. Yandere only ever overstep their boundaries if you’re overstepping yours, maintaining a facade of perfection elegantly – and scarily – up until the point where it must be dropped, and even then, they are often very forgiving, even often coming with warning signs if you look for them. If she’s becoming a nuisance, think of something to occupy her; remember, she likes doing things that will strengthen her relationship with you, so basically all you need to do is give her chores. This is pretty damned simple. Anyone with half a brain can get someone else to do everything for them. This is one of the yandere greatest pros: -20 in sanity in exchange for +20 in homemaking.
6. There is no guaranteed method to stop a yandere, but the most reliable action is certain, definite death, and even that is not infallible even when it has initially succeeded. Do not expect any obstacle, whether it be public authorities, the distance between nations, or what have you, to be able to hold back or contain a yandere: she has all the tools and skills she needs to get to you, and she will focus all that is herself into achieving her goals in relation to you – pretty much the only goals she has. Yandere are resourceful, and the only way she’ll die in any manageable fashion is if she submits to death by your hand or is caught completely off guard. The only way she can be caught off guard is if she doesn’t suspect your betrayal at all and thus hasn’t planned ahead so that in such a situation she can entrap you and force you (or your corpse) into a position where she has the (sexual) advantage, so keep in mind that she may have a trap set for you or otherwise some sort of auxiliary plan.
Part 2 Finding One
We’ve all seen it happen in games, anime and manga, but how do we know it’s not happening to us? How do we know that we’re not being targeted by a yandere who wants desperately to be ours? I’m going to help you find your Only True Love.
1. Nice or sweet girls have a higher chance of being yandere.
2. Pay close attention to the girls you find yourself coming into contact with, even if it’s seemingly harmless or irrelevant. The yandere is quite driven to make contact, but her overriding paranoia will make her subtle.
3. Once you’ve established likely candidates, try talking to them. If she drifts out of the conversation or if you sense she is getting bored — it’s not a yandere. While doing this, keep an eye out for girls watching you from the sidelines.
4. After establishing a rapport via conversation, ask the suspect(s) to come to your home. The yandere will always agree — however, a non-yandere who happens to like you may also agree to this.
5. When you get her in your home you have to test her. How eager is she to do that extra mile to make a good impression — pushy offers to cook, clean, or do something else, typically with a subservient attitude, are all positive signs of yandere-hood.
6. The yandere will be the girl who you notice coming over to visit afterwards on innocent pretexts, usually wanting to do chores for you as she feels doing this will entrench her into your life.
7. Confess to her. She will agree immediately. Many yanderes can be found out at this stage if they lose their self-control and become sexually aggressive.
8. If not already discovered in the last step, try to create a scenario in which the yandere may suspect your fidelity. Her reaction to this will settle her as a yandere — violent outbursts, jealous rages against the other girl, etc.
9. Pacify with sex. Congratulations, you are now attached to the rarest and finest of all sex types!
Part 2 Maintaining Her
Know how to maintain your yandere, it could save your life (and your neighbour’s)!
1. Becomes unusually aggressive in seeking sex, she’s probably done something bad and is now looking to celebrate her latest victory over the forces trying to take you away from her or ruin her happiness.
2. Becoming obnoxiously chatty, it means she’s becoming stressed but it’s not at the critical phase yet. Fix with some attention and re-assurances.
3. Stalks you — this is absolutely normal behavior for her; if she couldn’t stalk you she would become quickly stressed.
4. Gets angry at you: her yanderu is emerging, and it’s now critical that you bring her back down. Provide re-assurances, attention and sex constantly until she has no more signs of stress.
5. Becomes abnormally illogical or displays strange behavior: she is at the breaking point and is about to have a psychotic episode. Her emotions are in control at this point, and she’s suffering greatly. She must be detained and made to hear your voice or she will eventually collapse.
6. Loses the light out of her pupils: she’s lost it and she knows she can kill. She’s fallen to a psychotic episode and in an effort to take back control of her mind she surrenders to her emotional impulse to kill, destroy or hurt. In this state she has more presence of mind, but her logic will become almost child-like. You must not display any fear or weakness, and you must talk to her gently while holding her gaze firmly. Her episode will subside.
Consequences of not treating your Yandere girl well:
1) Injury – Although your yanderekko loves you more than the air itself, she will occasionally lose it, and it is those moments that you have to be extra vigilant. Love can hurt, and if she was doing something like cooking, cutting your hair, lawnwork, or even knitting, then she has access to a deadly weapon. It is your job to make sure she puts it down and listens to you. Be careful here, or you might accidentally lose an eye.
2) Captivity – If you really really wuv your girl, this one probably won’t happen, although there are a few special exceptions. Mostly, this applies to a guy who either never wanted, or is no longer able to handle the attention of a yandere gal, and has managed to push her into thinking she is about to lose him. Although alot of times this may force a violent response, there is a good chance that she will merely restrain you. At best, you might be tied to a chair in the kitchen for a while, as she tries to remind you why you are meant to be together ’til death. At worst, you will never see the light of day again in her special awesome dungeon where she won’t even so much as let you take a whizz by yourself. There are some who might even relish this level of attention, but it indicates only the first crack in the yandere’s psyche, and just tends to get worse from here.
3) Your friends/family ‘vanish’ – the most important part with most yandere, is that you are only paying attention to her. Only her, always her, all the time her. While there are a few who understand that you knew other people before you met, most yandere girls will find every other person you interact with as an affront to your special bond. Especially if these people are female. Be sure to find out very quickly what your girl thinks of the other girls in your life, even if its just a naggy little sister, unless you want to lose each and every one of them to an unfortunate meat cleaver ‘accident’.
4) She dies – This is perhaps the rarest of consequences, but still worth a mention. Usually, anyone who truly loves their yandere won’t have to deal with this, but if you are the type to mess around alot, this could happen. Not every yandere is automatically going to try and hurt you or others in order to achieve what she wants, some will immediately fall into a state of hopelessness. Once there, the idea of suicide is never far away. Not just any suicide either, it simply won’t do unless you are able to see her die; consider it her final act of love that may or may not scar you forever.
5) You die – If you reached this consequence, lets face it, you fucked up. You were cheating on her, spending too much time with that neighborhood girl, or doting on your little sister a little bit too much, but you most certainly did something! This is usually a final resort, even for a yandere, meaning that you have been deemed completely unsalvagable in her eyes and there is no other way for her to get rid of the pain in her heart than by ending you. Suicide may follow, although that is probably not very important to mention at this point. A small note, you may have also been very unlucky on the draw and gotten a yandere that snaps just a little bit easily. In this case, your death is probably not too far off.
Enjoy and don’t get killed by one.